Of learning and pain

Don't worry folks, it's not as bad as it sounds. There's a happy ending!

I don't know about you, but I only seem to learn things the hard way. That is to say: when some kind of pain is involved in the process.

Except maybe languages: I'm not experiencing actual pain in learning German, I am mostly amused and entertained.

Anyway, any other lesson involves me reaching my limits, suffering when I hit them, and then figuring out how to overcome them and make the pain stop. In recent years, I have become a fan of doing things without too much of a safety net; of abrupt, challenging changes; of jumping into things instead of slowly walking into them.

I have a feeling I wouldn't feel this confident in all the things I've learned, if I kept the cautious attitude (which I generally have!) all the time.

In recent weeks, after four months of permanence in Berlin, even my introverted self started feeling lonely. And it ached so much it became more than just emotional pain, I could feel my stomach squeezing, unrest ran through my veins because I ached so much to get human contact.

So, what do you do when you're shy, introverted, don't like loud environments and you'd rather be dead than having to entertain a chat with random people on nothing interesting to you?

Here's what you do.

You put a good amount of your normal barriers and filters down.

You search for people who share your same interests and contact them, in person, via phone, or email.

You actually get to meet them instead of just talking to them from a distance.

What happens next is that you have a good time, you make new friends with whom you actually have something interesting to talk about, and you cultivate your hobbies or interests or what you have.

Lesson learned: how to get meaningful human contact when needed.

The extraverts among my readers will probably see nothing special in all of the above, but for an introvert it's a huge step. Worth celebrating. :)

Arguing over the internet

Most fitting image ever

Everybody who's been around the internet for long enough knows that arguing over it has its own category of uselessness.

Most of the times, communication over the net seems to be flawed at its roots. Be it Facebook, Twitter, or old school, 1.0 message boards, a heated argument over the net is likely to lead to nothing but (evetual) frustration for those involved, and annoyment for those powerlessly assisting.

There are many reasons for this. I'll recall the two most cited ones (they do not necessarily apply to you, Dear Reader, I know there are exceptions).

Lack of metacommunication

That is to say, when reading and typing messages we lack the visual feedback of our interlocutor and we fail to send ours. We are interpreting what we read, and what we write is interpreted, in a flawed way: we can't perceive the tone of our interlocutors' voices, we can't see their body language, and they can't see ours. Therefore, we're filling in those blanks by guessing or approximating based on what we read and what we expect our interlocutors' feelings to be. But we seldom take care to verify wether our interpretation is correct. If we reason by assumptions without checking for their accuracy, we are bound to fail.

If I, for example, assume that your goals in a conversation are the same goals I have, I am attributing intentions to you that may very well not be your actual ones.

The power of anonymity

We've all heard of this: when behind a computer screen, it's easy to say things and show a side of yourself that you wouldn't otherwise expose. This goes for intimate confessions as well as extremist thinking. We may reply to certain things online in a very different way from what we'd say in a real life conversation. You often hear (or read!) that everybody's more courageous on the internet, and I am certainly not the exception here.

So, this is hard to admit for me, lifelong lover of written communication. But sometimes having a coffee together is just better. Or a Skype call, if you're far away.

Other times, when the answer to the pivotal "What's the point?" question doesn't make any sense, I find it perfectly legit to just avoid the discussion.

The lab that your heart is

I just recently (yesterday, to be precise) had a major emotional burst. The details of how and why shall remain unknow, as it is definitely intimate stuff we're talking about, but the whole process was most interesting to observe from the inside.

Bear with me, I'm certainy not new to feelings, but this one specific time it struck me just how it all progressed (very quickly, thankfully) and how I was able, in the end, to look at it all with a sort of a clinical, detached eye.

So here's the thing.

I go to check my email in the morning and find a message from, let's say, a Special Person. What I read in the message instantly triggers a deep emotional reaction of the Bad Kind. The Bad Kind is that which knots your stomach in a tight ball and makes you cry fountain-like, sobbing incoherent words like "Why me!" and "Oh, cruel world!". So there I was, having a not so good morning, feeling a couple things very strongly.

That is stage one: an emotion has been triggered, and you just can't see an inch past it. You're all about it. The emotion is true, and there's no escape from it. The world as you knew it is going to end.

It went on for I think 30-40 minutes (I love having timestamps to check), during which I let a lot out (mostly fluids). Necessary? Yes. Reasonable? Not at all. But emotions are not that reasonable, anyway.

Then stage two starts, in which Doubt softly knocks on your tormented mind's door and asks you to let it in, just for a brief moment. Are you sure you read that message correctly? Don't you think there's a little piece of information missing? Maybe, just maybe, things are not exactly as you think they are.

No! Don't try to convince me, all is lost. I don't want to cling to false hopes and expectations anymore, the verdict is out, and it's damn clear!

Look, I'm not trying to fool you or anything, just listen to me: ask a couple questions, and if you're right I'll just leave.

And so this is your first step out of the bubble of self-commiseration, a hand you timidly stretch back to the real world and to real people. I got back on my computer and asked the clarifying question. Doubt was satisfied, and we sat down to drink an Ingwertee together.

Now, my email did not receive an answer, mind you. I was already scheduled to see the Special Person that same evening, and I was very worried I would be out of myself, cry like a baby, or otherwise unable to hold my shit together in front of him. I did consider cancelling, but Doubt frowned at me. So I didn't. I've been told just recently that showing your emotions is OK, and that it actually helps others to understand you, so I thought "What the heck. I'll show whatever I have to show tonight, be it tears or not".

In stage three I pretty much got bored of self-pity. Sure, I still thought there was no hope left, but at least I went back to functioning like a normal being: talking to friends, venting a bit, doing my homework, tend to other business than my own sadness. I was certainly not smiling, but at least I was operating again.

I went to school, and found contact with my classmates very relieving: I found myself laughing at their jokes harder than usual and having an overall good time. And this is where the clinical eye first woke up. It looked like I was feeling everything stronger than usual, so maybe there was something deeper at work. And I started inquiring within myself, weeding through the emotions I had felt, giving them a name. Until I got to the one underlying them all, so I could understand and make sense of what had happened to me.

This was most relieving. But I still needed a little clarification from the Special Person!

So in stage four I'm actually myself again, just with reddened eyes and the pang of anxiety in my chest, impatient to know from the mouth of the Special Person just what the message was actually all about. I got a text from him which made me laugh (in class, duh!) and confirmed the appointment for the night.

So we meet after school, and go have dinner together. Talking about what happened to me is not even a problem, I'm definitely cool and collected now. He asks the classical "How are you?" question, but tonight the answer is most interesting. So I tell him everything. What had happened, the feelings I felt, and as I narrated the thing to him I was kind of proud of how clear it was to me. How quickly I managed to make sense of it, and to understand what was at work when I had that strong, negative emotional reaction. And how relaxed I felt in telling the whole story to the very person who inadvertently triggered the events (there wasn't the slightest hint of passive-aggressive blame in my speech, if you're wondering. Damn, I'm good!).

The message turned out to be much less dramatic than it seemed to me, of course.

So, what were those emotions and where did they come from?

Details are still going to be spared, but generally speaking: the two emotions were frustration and fear. The place they were coming from is called Loneliness.

Can this be useful to anybody out there? Possibly.

Allow yourself the time to feel your emotions. But remember that Doubt is your friend, so listen to it too.

Know that you may learn something from your emotions, and that something may be a very relevant need of yours, so do dissect your feelings, especially the violent ones. If you manage to see them as through somebody else's eyes, you're doing it right. If you keep defaulting to pure emotions, it will just take you a little longer. But you can get there.

And always, always use external references: speak with somebody about how you feel, make all the cross checks possible and be like a little scientist. Emotions are falsifiable too. :)

Back and forth

Oh yeah, this is exactly how it feels.

I spent the last weekend in Italy.

I needed to go back home to retrieve my Winter-appropriate clothes, as Berlin is veering decidedly toward much colder temperatures.

It was my first time in Italy after my departure, three months ago. It felt weird.

It is as if there is a mental switch that goes on and off as I switch countries: first I am my Berlin self, with my brand new life, and thoughts, and feelings; then I have to step back, at least in part, into my old Italian self, in order to interact with my family, my old acquaintances, and to simply move around.

During these days it came spontaneous to me to refer to Berlin as "my place", "back at home", "by us (in Germany)". It probably sounded pretentious to those listening to me, but it was in fact very natural.

I have been told recently that expats go through a rather standardized sequence: an initial enthusiastic phase followed by a sense of alienation, isolation, and longing for the homeland. I'm not sure I'm affected. I haven't left much behind, and I don't need much to feel good here, in terms of human interaction. I also see my personal attitude reflected in plenty others here (women wearing comfy clothing and no make up? Feels like heaven), whereas I always felt like the "different" one back in Italy.

Time will tell. :)

Of having balls

I found these in the Supermarkt. Yes, they were tasty and juicy.

I find myself wondering about what it means to actually have balls or, in more educated terms, to be courageous.

When I first moved to Berlin, I was told I was being courageous for doing it, with the whole going away facing an uncertain future in search for a job and a less depressing environment. I often thought to myself that it was not really courage, if you were feeling more on the desperate side and you were as afraid as I was.

I am still afraid every time a job application doesn't go well, and always try to remember the upside of things: at least I am getting job interews here, whereas I was getting none in Italy. It will happen, all I have to do is keep positive and never cease trying. And try to get clients as a freelance translator. :)

Furthermore, moving represented a huge change in my current relationship. Me and my boyfriend had been living under the same roof for six months before we separated, each of us following his own personal projects, him with his startup in Trento, me in Berlin being adventurous.

And I have to tell you, long distance relationships are not easy, especially if you have this intense desire of sharing your living space with the person that is now so far away from you, and if you really have no way to plan anything regarding your own future, let alone that of your relationship.

So, I've had my harsh times in these first two months as a Berliner. But I've also had great times, to the extent that I think they outnumber the tough ones.

So many things seem to have happened within in me in such a short time, that the time before moving seems to belong to another life, to another me. I am here, I'm trying things I never thought I'd have the courage to try alone, I'm putting myself on the line, and I'm conquering my fears, even those that have represented a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend and with others.

I think I am at my happiest these days. I am feeling more secure, I know the problems I have and I want to overcome them.

The next courageous step in my self development process will be opening up to people without fear of being hurt. Wish me luck! :)

Being offline is a whole different world

Hallo liebe Leute!

I'm stranded (mostly) offline these days, as my home connection went kaputt on Thursday night. So, I'm writing this post on my wordpad with the good intention to upload it as soon as I get online somehow.

Anyway. The good news is: I think it's happening! I can feel German building up in my brain, coming to me more and more easily, slowly but surely making its way to my mouth. Iguess the simple fact of reading lots these days ('cuz I have no internet) plays a roe in it. I am now able to order meals and drinks in German without getting lost!

Doubly hot Ingwer Tee!

I tried my hand today, as I went out looking for an Internet café (I failed my search, by the way). I first landed in a neat place just aside an ex-church (Selig Café), as it was one of three places a friend had suggested to me. Of course, being web-less I could not even look for places myself! Anyway. I go in, sit at a table, consider how weirdly restaurant-ish the place looks for being a Café, and order a frisches Ingwer Tee, as per picture. That's freshly cut ginger, for those of you who may be wondering. :)

Only after I find out they don't have an accessible LAN yet: the place is under new management (hence its being a restaurant, after all, and no longer a café) and it has only been open for a week now. Duh!

Anyway, I sip my Ingwer Tee, pay, and try to make my way to one of the other two suggested places. I have a map with me (a *real* map) but a) it doesn't show one of the other two addresses entirely, and b) it shows the other -and last- one, but the map is such a mess around there I cannot find it. So what do I do? I try to use my memory. I *know* I have passed by that straße many times (Fontanestraße), so I get on my bike and go.

Where was it again? Was it left of Sonnenallee, or Hasenheide? I try both, no luck.

Scorned and defeat, I went back home and resigned to wait until Monday, when school would open again and I would be able to use their Wlan. Yup, here I am, in der DeutSCHule. :)

I want to end this with a sweet note, though, and since we're taling about German things and schools, I want to share a piece of my latest Hausaufgabe with you. We were asked to write our favorite Rezept in German, and of course I just *had* to go with the Cheesecake. Here it is, I hope you like it. :)

NEW YORK CHEESECAKE (auf Deutsch!)

ZUTATEN

Für den Boden:
- 2 Löffel Rohrzucker
- 150 Gramm Butter
- 250 Gramm Digestive Plätzchen


Für die Creme:
- 1 Tütchen Vanillin
- 100 Ml frische Sahne
- 20 Gramm Maisstärke
- Saft von einer halben Zitrone
- 3 Eier (2 voll, 1 Eigelb)
- 600 Gramm Philadelphia
- 100 Gramm Zucker


Für die Glaser
- 200 Ml saure Sahne
- 1 Tütchen Vanillin
- 2 Löffel Pulverzucker

ZUBEREITUNG

Zuerst machen wir den Boden. Geben Sie die Plätzchen und den Rohrzucker in den Mixer dazu. Zerkleinen Sie alles.
Stellen Sie die Butter in ein Töpfchen auf den Herd un lösen Sie sie auf. Geben Sie die zerkleinerten Plätzchen in eine Schüssel und gießen Sie langsam die Butter dazu. Vermischen Sie die Mischung.
Bestreichen Sie die Kuchenform mit Butter und legen Sie sie mit Backpapier aus.
Geben Sie die Plätchen und Butter dazu und streichen Sie die Masse gleichmäßig in die Form.
Stellen Sie für eine Stunde die Kuchenform in den Kühlschrank oder für eine halbe Stunde in den Gefrierschrank.

Dann machen wir die Creme. Heizen Sie den Ofen auf 180 Grad.
In eine große Schüssel geben Sie die Eier, das Vanillin, und den Zucker. Schlagen Sie sie bis die Mischung homogen ist. Geben Sie den Käse allmählich dazu un weiterschalgen. Die Mischung sollte keine Klumpen haben.
Während Sie weiterschlagen, geben Sie den Zitronensaft, die Maisstärke, zwei Prisen Salz, und endlich die Sahne dazu.

Nehmen Sie die Kuchenform aus dem Kühlschrank (oder dem Gefrierschrank) und gießen Sie die Mischung hinein. Streichen Sie die Masse gleichmäßig in die Form und stellen Sie die Kuchenform für 30 Minuten in den Ofen. Dann senken Sie die Temperatur auf 160 Grad für 30-40 Minuten mehr. Dann machen Sie den Ofen aus und machen Sie die Ofentür halb auf. Lassen Sie die Torte in dem warmen Ofen für 30 Minuten weiter stehen. Danach ziehen Sie die Torte heraus und lassen Sie sie abkühlen.

Wenn die Torte abgekühlt ist, machen wir die Glaser.
Vermischen Sie die saure Sahne mit dem Vanillin und der Pulverzucker. Gießen Sie die Mischung auf die Torte un streichen Sie sie gleichmäßig.
Sie können dann:
- Die Torte in den Ofen bei 180-190 Grad für 5 Minuten stellen, dass die Glaser karmellisiert, dann in den Kühlschrank für mindestens 6 Stunden stellen.
- Die Torte direkt in den Kühlschrank stellen.

Sie Können den New York Cheesecake wie er ist verzehren, oder mit Ihrer Lieblingssauce verzieren. Schokoladensauce, Erdbeersauce, Kaffeesauce: Ihrer Fantasie sind keine Grenzen gesezt!

Ice Age

I just finished reading this article about how scientists now seem to have grasped why Ice Ages occur (roughly every 100,000 years, but then it "only" takes a thousand years for the ice caps to melt!).

As ice caps accumulate over the span of hundreds of thousands years, it's easy to imagine how it's very unlikely that a sudden catastrophe like the one depicted in The Day After Tomorrow could ever occur. Cities would not get flooded or covered in ice sheets within a few days, but still I had my imagination spinning.

With icecaps slowly building up, people would have plenty of time to slowly migrate southwards, leaving the frozen areas uninhabited. But what would they leave behind? Deserted towns, and even cities? Try to imagine a deserted Berlin, or Stockholm, or even Milan buried (or encased, I like the mental image I get if I use "encased") under a 3,000 meters thick ice layer. I don't know if you can see it too, but the mental picture I get is fascinating. Cities in ice. Wow.

Also imagine the consequences of a modern era Ice Age: how would global powers and cultures be affected by the slow migration? How many new cultural identities may be born? How would geography itself change, both as a discipline and as a matter of fact? And how would new nations and states be born, with what strains and what conflicts?

And then, as the ice caps begin to (relatively quickly) melt away, how would people and nations and powers and cultures deal with the new conditions in just the span of a millennia? Can you imagine the thrill of future-to-be archeologists travelling up north to (re)discover the ruins of what once were cities, and nations, and inhabitable lands? What would they do with what they found? Repopulate it? Build gigantic archeological reserves? People would surely get up north again, if population growth rates keep going. They would need more space!

Anyway. I guess I got carried away and excited in a very childlike way. And it feels good to work your imagination from time to time. Now I wish I could be around to witness the next Ice Age and post-Ice Age. :)